The Day I Woke Up

I’m not exactly sure where to begin this story, so I’ll begin right here. In the present. The only time that has ever happened is right now, but in another now it also happened that I was in a car accident. In the space of February 15, 2014 at approximately 1 a.m., my life changed completely. I thought I was walking away alive, but that was the moment I lost myself again. This wasn’t the first time I lost myself. No, I’ve lost myself so many times as a child trying to run away from things that frightened me and throwing myself into something that brought me relief. I lost myself early in my marriage. I lost myself with the birth of my third child. This time was different.

I remember about six months after the accident lying in my bed after waking up from a nap. I looked up and observed my room, and it was difficult to make sense of it. I picked up a book and tried looking at words, and they didn’t make any sense. I got up, walked downstairs to the laundry room, and attempted to put in a load of laundry, but when I stared at all the buttons, I couldn’t figure out what to do with them.

At this point, my neurologist had already written my symptoms off as self-manifested, so I just stared at that washing machine and wept. As a mother, I had never longed so badly to do a load of laundry in my life. I saw the piles. The visual input of the mess was so maddening that I could feel the anxiety storm literally short circuiting my brain. The more I tried to work the washing machine, and the more I saw the mess, the less I could do. My symptoms flared, my head started pounding, all I could hear was what sounded like loud AOL dialup in my head mixed with clanging pots and pans – the sound I later began to call “my music” and which remains with me today, albeit quieter and sweeter now.

It was at that present moment of weeping that I finally gave up and just surrendered. Even though I wanted to fight for my health, I knew that fighting wasn’t helping me. I was always taught to keep getting up and keep fighting, so obviously this surrender was against my nature. “Fuck it,” I thought. “I’m going to be a sad vegetable with a goldfish memory. This is who I am now, and I need to just be ok with it.”

When I met people or when I interacted with friends, I’d start by telling them or reminding them about my brain injury.“Just so you know, I’m (still) dumb as shit with this brain injury, so if you tell me something right now, it might fall out, and you might need to tell me again.” Naturally people would get frustrated and impatient with me. I was always held to their standard, or they’d forget that because I looked like the same old Jessica, not the sad vegetable version. My quick wit was gone, so I couldn’t make people laugh. My ability to find words was gone, so I couldn’t have intellectual discussions with anyone. I was constantly embarrassed and felt worthless, and in each instance of failure, I surrendered deeper and deeper.

Despite my continued surrender, I felt. This level of feeling was deeper and more intense than anything. I’ve heard that when people lose a sense that the rest of the senses become more perceptive to compensate. My sense of hearing, sight, smell, taste, touch, and feeling were getting stronger. The deeper I felt, the more sad and empathetic I was becoming. Everything felt so overwhelming and everything was charged with emotion. That by itself was incredibly challenging, but I embraced this new me and accepted it as I accepted being impaired in all the other ways.

During a regular check-in with my general practitioner, I asked her about hooking me up with some Valium so I could have a little something to get me through life. A few days earlier, Kathleen from the Transcendental Meditation (TM) center had dropped off some pamphlets about the practice. I discussed this with my doctor, and instead of giving me something that might further impact my cognitive problems, she wrote me a prescription for TM.

On October 2, 2014 my better half and I went out on a date to celebrate our anniversary. We had a lovely dinner at Clydes in Ashburn, and then we went over to an introductory talk about TM. I immediately signed up. At first I gasped at the cost, but after spending literally thousands on specialists that hadn’t helped me, I figured I’d just add this to the pile. Although I had stopped fighting to get better, I was still an active seeker, and in my seeking, I was open to trying new things.

The weekend before I began TM, I was standing in the kitchen getting some breakfast, and I heard a voice in my head calling “Lakshmi! Lakshmi!” Auditory “hallucinations” weren’t new for me. They’ve been around since my earliest memories as a child, so I just accepted it. Greg was across the way in the family room folding clothes, so I asked him, “Who’s Lakshmi?” He did his typical Nova Scotia mumble and I heard him say something like, “I think she’s a goddess or something.”

Hmmm…

On Saturday morning, I drove to the TM center. I brought my flowers, fruit, and white handkerchief. As I followed Kathleen up the stairs I blurted out, “This is the first day of the rest of my life.” I wasn’t really sure where those words came from. It was a spontaneous thought that didn’t make it through any kind of a filter, and it just burst into the air. She smiled and looked at me in a curious way. I wasn’t sure what she was thinking, but I just reiterated again, “I really think this is the first day of the rest of my life.” This is what my “feeling” was telling me. The words were coming from my chest – my heart, not my brain. It felt like I was truly thinking and receiving these thoughts in my heart, and the words came from that area before coming out of my mouth. At this point, with all the crazy symptoms I had experienced, nothing was weird anymore, so like everything else, I just surrendered to this new version of myself, and went on to learn the TM technique. When we got to the top of the stairs she smiled and said, “that’s beautiful,” and I smiled back at her. It was a very sweet and honest moment between teacher and student. In that now, with my mind in that space, I had no idea what those words even meant…

If you’ve ever practiced TM, you know how powerful it can be – especially in those early days of unstressing. For three days I couldn’t get out of bed. Literally. It felt like I had been smashed in the head all over again. The sounds were so intense, and it felt like I was going insane. I wanted to quit, but Kathleen encouraged me and instructed me to get plenty of extra rest. So I did.

Day four came. I woke up. I meditated. Then I felt like I had this great wind of energy at my back. I went down to the laundry room. I looked at the clothes. I looked at the washer.

No anxiety. No storm. No freak out. I was alone in the silence.

I picked up a pile of whites, put them in, filled the soap dispenser, closed the door, and pushed the buttons to begin a load. And then I broke down in tears of joy. What a glorious moment!

On day four of the follow up, I met with the other students that had learned TM the same day. We each talked about our experiences. When I got to my turn, I couldn’t help but burst out laughing when I said, “I could actually do laundry today.” I’m not sure anyone could possibly know how monumental that was for me after months of struggling with pushing the “play” button on an LG washer.

So my journey began. At the 10 day follow up I was able to be in a grocery store without shutting down. It wasn’t a big store like Wegman’s, but it was Mom’s Organic Market, so it had everything I needed. At the end of the first month, my eyesight improved to the prescription I had when I was in second grade. At the end of the forth month the so called “permanent hearing loss” that I had sustained in the accident was so much better that my left ear (the bad one) tested BETTER than the right ear. I went outside without sunglasses. I went shopping at Target. I had dinner with my family at the Silver Diner – although I still needed ear plugs when the sound was too intense. I was sleeping better. I was getting less frustrated and angry. I felt more grounded and anchored. I felt connected.

Then one sunny day, everything changed again. I awoke from a nap, meditated, got up, and walked down to the kitchen. While I was making my salad for lunch, carrot and peeler in hand, I had what can only be described as a mystical and divine experience. For a moment, which felt like all time and eternity, I was.

I. Was.

All of it.

Everything.

I was the carrot, that gave its life for me. I was the peeler. I was the bowl. I was the wall, the couch, the chairs, the fridge. From my little finite awareness, I began to experience the consciousness – the spirit – which ran through everything, and I was in union with it all. I fell to my knees with the carrot in my hand, and held it to my chest. I cried and laughed in cycles. The sound in my head was that of an infinite sea of concert bases all playing the same note, but that note was simultaneously, infinitely diverse. It sounded like, “Om,” and it undulated and oscillated. It pulled me in, and pushed me back out of myself. “Om my God!” I blurted out and followed it with more laughing.

I had awakened.

Every question I ever had about anything was answered in that one moment. I was experiencing pure, unbounded infinity. Deathlessness. Infinite silence and dynamism. Unconditional love. Bliss. Joy. Ecstasy. It poured through my entire physiology. I felt the most incredible love and power crawling through my entire nervous system destroying everything that was blocking its path. My heart was on fire with love.

I can’t help but laugh when I think that THIS experience is what Maslow was talking about when he put “self actualization” on top of his hierarchy of needs. I have realized the self – my Self. THIS is enlightenment. THIS is being more awake than I’ve ever been. This is like waking up from a dream when I thought I was already awake.

How beautiful.

Once the power of that moment passed, I was left back in my materialistic, dual thoughts which were exactly the opposite of this Earth shattering non-dual experience. Now I have come to understand that awakening is nothing more than a re-remembering before my separate self decided to overlook the ever present awareness, The Self unfolding itself to itself. Being, and the infinite space of pure silence, creativity, intelligence, and infinite potential. Once my thoughts came back, and I refocused my awareness on objects, the experience continued to fade. Now that I’ve immersed myself back into activity, I can easily dip back into that field of consciousness and stabilize it in my waking states by meditating.

The best part is that nature supports me, and it feels amazing!!!!

PEOPLE, LISTEN UP! This experience is our birthright as human beings. Imagine the disappointment I felt when I realized how robbed I was by a Catholic education and upbringing that went on and on about faith and didn’t lead me to a direct experience of it! True faith is based on direct experience. Everything else is just hope. Here I was, looking faith right in the face with this HUGE and very direct experience of unity! Bible verses and hymns and songs and poetry rushed through my mind. All of it finally made sense.

My hope is that all seekers go on to “overlook” the material and the ego and find themselves in everything. I can now say that I have faith that if you seek, you will find, and if you knock the door will be opened unto you. …and know that this isn’t something that you achieve through belief alone. This requires direct experience and practice in your daily life. Of all the different ways to achieve this state, you can pick any type of yoga you want, but TM is a royal path, and it’s a path that I would choose over and over again if I ever had to make a recommendation. You can pray, meditate in your own way, practice acts of kindness, be a servant leader, etc. Pick a yoga – any yoga, just start something, and it will take you down the path you seek.

Now, I’ve surrounded myself with seekers whose hearts are set on pure knowledge and understanding. As our group becomes bigger and brighter, we clear away the cobwebs of those who are lost, and shine our sunshine onto them. Not only do I continue to have amazing and profound experiences, most of which I don’t share publically, I’ve noticed the sweet spirits living in my house, at work, and in my social circles are having their own as well. Right now, my whole family is on fire, and each day just gets better and better.

…and about that brain injury… Well, it’s been two years, and even in the last month or so, I’ve noticed such dramatic improvements that most of my days are “normal days.” I still feel gaps here and there, but I know I’ve come a long way and continue to progress. Without this head injury, I wouldn’t have adapted in all other perceptive areas to compensate for my bad brain, and I definitely wouldn’t have found TM. Without TM, I wouldn’t have this amazing brain, body, and heart. Learning it was definitely the first day of the rest of my life. My heart knew it from the beginning.

You should also know that heaven is on Earth for those who seek to experience it. It’s not in the clouds up in the sky or far away. It’s here. I pray for the enlightenment of all human beings, the world peace it will bring, the fear it will erase, the senseless killings and death it will prevent, and in the meantime, I’ll keep writing and shining in this incredible world.

Loving you all,

The Guru Girl

P.S. If you’re a seeker, know that you are safe to share your experiences with me! I’m excited to hear them! Someday, I will share my story about Lakshmi. 🙂

Authenticity in Relationships

Have you ever noticed that sometimes you’re in a grocery store almost going aisle by aisle and section by section with someone else? If they’re not alone, you hear their conversations and their thought processes while selecting their foods, and you get to the checkout line almost feeling like you know them. That happened to us recently, and while I was in the checkout and Greg, my other half, was stopping to pick up some Coho salmon, the couple shopping along side us felt the need to compliment Greg on how kindly we talked to each other. He joked, “You must’ve caught us on a good day.”

When I met Greg in 1999, I was 19 and he was 24. When we went on our first date I remember being very careful about what I said to him because I only wanted him to know the facet of myself that I thought was acceptable to this man. In my mind, I had ideas of how I should be in a new relationship, and I didn’t feel like I could show him all the sides of me until we spent more time together. I couldn’t tell him things like “Oh, my dad has bi-polar disorder and paranoid schizophrenia” or “I see dead people” because I was afraid of the heaviness that would bring to a budding relationship. I didn’t want to freak him out, so I just kept most of it to myself.

Because of how sweet and chivalrous he was during the first six months of our relationship, I suspect he was also giving me what he thought I wanted. HA!

After a few years of marriage, and after immersing each other into our complete personalities, things started to get strained – mostly for me. The way we individually thought we should be didn’t resonate well with what the other person thought. My anger and resentment started to pile up, and soon we found ourselves in couple’s therapy.

Our counselor’s name was Beth Spring, and she was such a sweet, nurturing, and accepting person. She was an excellent listener, and in our first few sessions, she gave us some homework. We each received a piece of paper on which we needed to create our family tree (grandparents down), and then mark out areas of conflict. The exercise helped us deeply explore the dynamics in families and learn about relationships and roles.

I had no idea how many relationships were in my immediate family (let alone how many conflicts we had). For instance, I had a relationship with my mom, a separate way of relating to my mom and dad together, one with my sister Gina, one with my sister Annie, but a different relationship when Annie and Gina were together. Then I had one with my mom, dad, Annie and Gina. This is complex stuff!

This same complexity also applies to each member of the family. My mom’s relationship with me was different than her individual relationships with my sisters. She treated each of us differently. This is completely normal too. As the oldest, I had the most responsibilities. I was achievement oriented, and I had a lot of pressure to be great at everything I did. If you read about birth order studies, I’m a typical oldest child. Even now, I work full time, run a small consulting company, sit on a board of directors, raise three kids, and do various other things that nourish my passion for creativity – including writing. Oh, and I also practice Transcendental Meditation for 20 minutes twice a day. 🙂  Typical over achiever.

As Greg and I spent more sessions on relationship roles, I realized that Greg’s female and male role models identified in his family had exceptionally different personality traits than mine did. He acted the way he did because he learned, during his childhood, how a man or woman “should” be based on the behavior modeled by his family. The same was true for me. However, he and I were miles apart on what I should do and what he should do. We weren’t being honest and authentic, and “miles apart” is probably an understatement.

After many years of work, we realized the only way to have a successful relationship is to create our own rules and roles. In my family, it was tradition for the woman to stay home and care for the children, but because I earned more money than Greg, and we wanted one parent at home, we decided he would stay home. While I highly doubt it was a fulfilling career choice for him, he learned a lot of lessons in that experience – and so did I. Although we were openly and publically mocked by my family members about the roles we had established for ourselves, we knew that the agreements we established in our relationship were the right ones for us based on that specific time period in our lives. During those years, I also realized that my family was full of angry, judgmental fools that were more interested in trying to control our marriage while completely oblivious that they were only destroying their relationship with Greg and I as a union. The stronger we got, the more some responded with anger. It got to the point I was getting phone calls strongly suggesting that I should resort to physical violence by attacking Greg because he wasn’t taking more of an active roll in the remodel of our master bathroom. Needless to say, I don’t talk to that person anymore.

Today, I see our relationship as highly evolved and based strongly on our own spiritual growth as individuals who make a daily, conscious decision to be together. Conscious relationships focus on authenticity of the individual by forcing each person to own and manage their own baggage. These relationships are about daily, personal, spiritual growth, impersonal and non-attached love, and a commitment to being completely present in the union. Where in the past we spent most of our time in a non-harmonious relationship melody, today we only spend a few moments every couple of days living that way. It’s a better way to live because it frees the mind and spirit, it allows the full spectrum of your identity in this manifestation to be shown, and it supports the practice of unconditional love and acceptance.

Setting romantic relationships aside, the concept of conscious relationships also applies to every relationship you have with your family, friends, children, co-workers, and acquaintances. I’ve personally found that through the practice of authenticity and my desire for only conscious relationships, I’ve become closer to people who are on the same path of spiritual evolution that I am. One day, I cleaned out over 500 “friends” on Facebook knowing they weren’t really my friends. When I do have time to spend with friends, I feel like I’m engaged on a much deeper level. My friendships are significantly more fulfilling than they were before simply because I choose to be authentic and consciously committed.

Now, on the flipside, my authenticity isn’t for everyone. There are quite a few people who have told me they “hate” me. People have tried to control me by sending harassing messages and phone calls. They’ve reached out to family and friends to indirectly harass me – making the circle of chaos much larger. That’s ok that they feel that way, and I completely accept that I’m not for them. I don’t like to be around people who are full of insecurity, hatred, and all of those chaotic feelings because I’m a very sensitive empath, and I have a hard time blocking out that kind of energy. (I’m working on my will, but we’ll talk about that in another post). I personally don’t like being around people who choose to live with a need to control others but not themselves. I don’t like being around people who fester in a constant pool of anger and hatred because of the way it drains my personal physiology and how it affects the collective consciousness of a group. I’m not saying that hatred is good or bad, but I’m saying the frequency at which I resonate is disharmonious with those vibes. When I personally feel hatred, which is absolutely a feeling that I experience, it means I’m disconnected from the Spirit or Source energy from the Divine Infinite – God. That’s not right for me, just as I might not be right for you.

Another thing to remember is that YOU make yourself feel the way you do. You can’t blame anyone else for your unhappiness but yourself. While people might trigger emotions within you, know that you can choose whether or not you will let it affect you. If you are angry, it’s because YOU have chosen to feel anger as a result of something that has happened, and in the same way YOU can choose to feel acceptance. The feeling of anger is coming as a result of your own doing, so flaming that out on others, even the person who triggered you, is a sign that you don’t want to accept responsibility for your own feelings. This was a hard pill for me to swallow, because I wanted to blame Greg for my unhappiness, when really, it was me who was choosing to feel unhappy. Once I realized that I was the one in control of my emotions, feelings, and responses to that external stimuli, the better I became at communicating my emotional needs more clearly. Those communications went from being dysfunctional and chaotic to functional, constructive, and eventually healing. Sometimes we still slip into old patterns of dysfunctional chaos, but practice makes perfect.

I always urge people to be authentic. If being angry is authentic. Be angry. If being sad is authentic be sad. If being happy is authentic. Be happy. If having all these feelings every day separately and together is authentic, do that. However, in your authenticity, don’t forget to be introspective and question yourself. Don’t forget to grow. Don’t forget to evolve. If you don’t like the way you make yourself feel, then stop feeling that way. If you find yourself easily triggered to feel bad, then remove those triggers from your life or set healthy boundaries for yourself.

Ultimately, you are responsible for your life. It doesn’t serve you well to spend your energy trying to control someone else whether it’s a spouse or someone you’ve just met. Work on your authentic self while continuously striving for compassion, love and acceptance. Feel the divine Spirit that connects us all and allow your spiritual inner knowing and intelligence of your body guide you to a place where you feel better. I promise it will be time well spent. Much less exhausting too! 🙂

The Guru Girl

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Blog Just For Me – Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung

Today, I’m writing for me. Just for me. Nobody else.

I’m a typical libra. I crave balance, and today, balance needs to come through deep healing. Beyond my typical needs for physical healing from this brain injury, I need emotional healing. I need emotional healing that only comes by turning myself inside out, twisting myself into knots, sweating, purging, crying, and screaming. This isn’t something that can be done in the quiet of a dark closet, alone, with my face in a pillow and my eye makeup running down my cheeks feeling sorry for myself because of what I’ve had to endure. No, this type of healing happens only in a giant field of wild flowers, embraced by the warmth of the sun, caressed by the gentleness of Zephyr’s breeze, wrapped in the only thing I’ll ever need – my greater spiritual Self, of which I am simply a point in Its infinite perfection. Because it’s only in this place where the heart opening required for emotional healing will take place.

But now it’s winter. Everything is beginning to freeze, and I can feel my emotions stiffening and crystallizing, like frost on a window, into a pattern of sorrow. And it’s not like I’m even sad for myself. I’m sad for all of it. I’m sad for everything that doesn’t feel compassionate or loving. I feel it so deeply, and it’s throwing me off balance.

When I started writing these blogs, I did it because I was at a place where I finally realized I was stronger than my past, I was stronger than my failures, I was stronger than the pain of all the experiences that held me down for so long. And in that same strength, I knew that I needed to write my story. I knew that I wasn’t alone. I was never alone. People who I knew in my life, who walked along side me in the halls of my elementary school, and who played jump rope with me at recess were going through what I was going through. And I know many of those people never had the courage to speak for themselves, and when some did they weren’t heard because nobody believed them. Yesterday was a day of awakening for me. My mom’s family has been attacking me over my blogs, making veiled threats, trying to get me on a phone so they can yell at me, and posting aggressively on Facebook calling me a liar. While this sadness has been building over the last few months, it really knocked me off balance yesterday. It came from one comment about a place called The Hardwig House.

The Hardwig House is a wonderful place. That’s the only way I can describe it. It’s a place where people like my dad, who is mentally ill, can be safe, make friends, share meals and experiences, and know they won’t be judged. My dad goes to The Hardwig House nearly every day.

My dad is a wonderful man. He’s a magical man. No one can make you laugh like my dad. No one make up the silliest songs and jam them out on a guitar like my dad. No one has the spiritual and emotional wisdom that my dad does. You know why? Because HE HAS NOTHING. HE HAS FUCKING NOTHING. He’s got a shitty apartment, no money, no prospects for work because of his injuries, and no skills for anything other than manual labor. He’s had multiple failed back surgeries. He was hit by two cars in the past year. People are always stealing from him. He won’t move out east because he lives his life to serve his elderly mother, my most beautiful Grandma Jenny, who is well into her 90s. …and he has The Hardwig House. THAT’S IT.

So, I’m cool with the fact my uncle, my supposed “elder” and supposed “role model” shits on me by saying I’m crazy, should be on meds, and calling me a liar, but saying anything negative about the Hardwig House is so low. Telling me that I’m crazy and that’s where I need to be in such a derogatory way is not only attempting to put me beneath you, but it’s also saying that the mentally ill are less than you.

…and that’s where things get sad. That’s what makes me so frustrated. That gets right under my skin like a freaking parasite that’s just gnawing away at my life force.

Do you think my dad chose this life? Do you think my dad enjoys this burden? The weekly injections. The experimental drugs. The life of psychotherapy so he can be semi-functional? The alienation from society? The need to live disability check to disability check? The judgement? The stigma? The ignorance because people don’t want to know him?

Do you think mental ill people choose to be this way?

…and why do you think you’re better than the “crazy” people that end up at The Hardwig House? Why do you cut so deep by making these insensitive comments with the only purpose of freeing yourself from any pain you might feel only to inflict it on your niece or anyone else who read those comments?

These are all rhetorical questions, and obviously they’ll never be answered without someone telling me to shut up, stop being crazy, stop lying, stop embarrassing myself, and all the other stuff I’ve had to hear and read.

The saddest part of all of this was the realization I had last night. If I would have told these people in my family what I had to go through as a child, they wouldn’t have believed me. They would’ve called me a liar. They would’ve told me how horrible I am for saying the things I’m saying. They would’ve blamed me for the things that are happening to me and told me to take responsibility for my life. How do I know this? Because they’re doing it right now. And if they’re going to say this to a completely sane and rational adult, they’re definitely going to say it to a kid – because in my family kids are less than adults, and we know where we are in the pecking order. In this realization, I have come to understand that God truly had a hand in this part of my life. All my guardian angels, all my inner knowing, everything was telling me to just keep chugging on and getting through by keeping my head down. Fake it. Get through it. Put on a smile and pretend.

The old me would probably tell myself not to write this blog. “Be strong. Don’t let them know they’re hurting you. Don’t let them know that they were able to uproot you and throw you off balance. Don’t let them see that they get under your skin. Put on a strong face and ignore it. Just block these jerks on Facebook and be done with it.”

But then I had a thought:

No. I won’t pretend. I won’t put on the mask. I won’t keep up this bullshit facade of being ok. This did hurt me, but surprisingly it didn’t take away my power. These feelings are not something I should be ashamed of or hide. It’s normal and natural to have feelings, and the constant pretending that I’m not hurt is was what caused all my problems in the first place. I deserve to be sad about this, and I deserve to be able to express that sadness. Life is going to keep giving me this same lesson and kicking me in the ass in the same way unless I learn from it, so this is my opportunity to completely change and learn the damn lesson.

First, I’m going to move on. What value did they ever add anyway? Not much. My fantasy of what I thought my family was is obviously not the reality. I have to remember that the disassociation won’t stop me from feeling – really feeling – these emotions and particularly this sadness. It will however, assist me in the brave move that I need to remove myself from the toxicity of these people once and for all. This is another step to becoming the most authentic version of myself. THIS is what it means to be human, and THIS is how I will practice setting boundaries for how I deserve to be treated. Family is a choice, and it’s not me who has cut the cord. They have already cut it. They cut it a long time ago. They have made it very clear I am not welcome. I don’t need to stand at the edge of the cord and long for connection because there’s nothing there for me. I’m their ugly duckling. I’m their outcast. I’m the black sheep.

I’m glad I learned this lesson as an adult, because if this happened when I was 15, I strongly suspect that I wouldn’t be where I am today. Learning this lesson as a child may well have killed me – or at least my spirit and my will.

 

I spent years of my life being strong and sad. Now I’m busy being vulnerable, happy (even in my sadness), truly authentic, and it feels sooooooooo good.

 

Winter won’t stop me from finding that field on a warm spring day to melt my sorrows – even if I only find it in my mind.

Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung.

I call on the the sun, the moon, the earth, and the Infinite Spirit to bring deep healing.

I call on the most sacred Spirit to lift up my dad, everyone at The Hardwig House, and every mentally ill person on this planet. You are the most beautiful of us all. It’s you that have overcome the most. You are the strongest and the most beautiful. I’m honored to be called crazy and that I should be at The Hardwig House. That’s a much better place to be than where I came from.

 

Forgiveness

I need to give a shout out to Mindy for triggering my inspiration for this blog. I know Mindy from my childhood. She was one of the most beautiful ballerinas I had the honor of dancing with as a kid, and she’s grown into such an amazing woman. So, thanks Mindy. 🙂

Mindy sent me a message saying she was thinking of me when she heard Dr. Caroline Leaf speaking at her church, and she sent me a link to her teachings on the brain and it’s interdependence with Christianity. I’ll post the link below. I highly recommend watching!  It’s great stuff!

Now, as a survivor and thrive-or (yes, making that word up), of a traumatic brain injury, I’ve learned a thing or two about the brain. I currently have a list of 19 medical professionals that have been helping me through the healing process after my car accident, but honestly, very few of those folks actually DID anything to help me heal. I did most of it by myself. Yes, my chiropractor spent hours working on my soft tissue and back alignment, my osteopath performed lots of cranial-sacral adjustments, and my physical, cognitive, and vestibular therapists helped rebuild the parts of my brain that were damaged. However, when it came to healing, I did it. My drive to seek knowledge, truth, understanding, going to each appointment, following orders, doing exercises, following a proper diet, etc. is what made me heal. My healing came through my own works, my own thoughts, my own emotions, and my own will. I wanted it. I went after it. I didn’t fear my prognosis, because I wanted to come out of my accident as the best version of myself.

One surprising thing about healing from a severe injury is that oftentimes, as you fix some obvious broken areas of yourself, you start to discover lots of old baggage that also needs to go. This stuff has been hanging out in your mind and body tightly bound up to protect you from being hurt by it anymore. Your body protects you from this toxic baggage, but these little pockets of yuck are essentially the seeds of disease. They’re festering. They smell like dumpsters. It’s icky.

So, on this path to healing, I found that I also needed to unwrap the other baggage, look at it, sort it out, and figure out what to do with each item. …kinda like cleaning out your closet and sorting into the “keep,” “donate,” and “toss” piles. Unlike a closet cleaning, this baggage, once unwrapped spewed forth so many emotions; so many in fact, that I couldn’t even look at what was inside. I hadn’t looked at this stuff for so long because it was inexplicably painful. But then, like every major obstacle in my life, I put my fear aside, chose love, and went right into each package of ick. One by one, I slowly unwrapped, looked, felt, cried, vented, wrote, meditated, prayed, cried, etc., until all I was left with was an object without any emotional wrapping. Just a memory. Not good or bad. Just a memory no more moving than a jagged, little pebble in an infinite sea of jagged little pebbles.

…and that brings me to forgiveness.

When I tell you that I had to do a lot of forgiving during the process of cleaning out my closet of emotional and often traumatic memories, believe me when I say it. When you’re looking back at your past and thinking, “How could anyone do something so horrible to me?” as an active victim, and then immediately making the choice to forgive, you’re doing the hardest thing you’ll ever do, and the best. Holding onto this stuff – even the stuff you’ve forgotten about – really colors your heart. It’s toxic in your body. It’s you poisoning yourself from within. You can’t love fully, you can’t be the most compassionate version of yourself, and you can’t really be the best version of yourself unless you forgive.

The process became even more complicated when during my own housekeeping process a close family member was in a downward spiral with her substance abuse and psychiatric problems. I understood why she was flailing in her physical and spiritual life because I know her story. I know she has stress, it’s displaced, and she flames it on everyone because she can’t find the strength to clean out her own closet. When you’re so deep in stress, and you’re literally buried in a closet of emotional trauma, sometimes all you can do is shout about how miserable you are, blame your situation on everyone else, and not pull yourself out. For many years I was her personal whipping girl of blame when she sought to vent off the extra steam because she couldn’t handle all the exploding emotional baggage anymore. I made the bravest decision of my life when I chose to forgive her, remove her entanglement in my life, and move on without her. It was a very difficult and sad decision, but my heart is at peace now, and I pray for her almost daily. Although I don’t feel her suffering, I know she is, and I hope that one day, she’ll find her way back home.

With forgiveness, we have to start simply. At some point everyone needs to start at one end of their closet and work out of it. Maybe you’ll pick a corner to start in – don’t try and tackle it all in one day. Bit by bit, you can find your way out if you want it.

The good news is that there are quite a few tips, tricks and secrets to helping you through the process. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. Transcendental Meditation. It does all the work for you. Just do it for 20 minutes twice a day, and let your mantra go at it. It will take awhile to get through all the stress, but it’s a very balanced approach to addressing the heaviness of this stuff.
2. Fasting. Fasting isn’t just for brides-to-be that need to get rid of back fat before wedding pictures! LOL! I use fasting for spiritual reasons, and I find it extremely effective. Deprivation from food for just three days can completely re-focus your awareness, unclog your channels of compassion, and clear away years of toxicity. It’s a real karma burner! I’m in the middle of an 11 day fast now (3 days only water, 5 days veggie juice, 3 days fruit/veg smoothies), and on this 6th day, I’m feeling better than I have in years. Fasting is a wonderful blessing. Check out Markus Rothkranz’s book Heal Yourself 101.
3. Cognitive behavior therapy. You can’t always chose what happens, but you can chose how you respond and how you think about negative events. Turn your frown upside down, and see a therapist who can give you tools to be successful. Read Dr. Phil’s Life Code or Dr. Lawlis’ book Retraining the Brain: A 45 Day Plan to Conquer Stress and Anxiety.
4. Prayer. Prayer is powerful. It can literally change your life. Never underestimate it’s power and ability to help you sort things out.
5. Turn to your family and community. Humans are hard wired for community because at a quantum level we’re all connected. The best thing about spending time with other people is that they can also counsel you and support you as you make choices to forgive.

I’m sure there are many other ideas, so feel free to share them with me in the comments below!

Don’t be afraid to look at your baggage. Don’t be afraid to forgive. If you can’t do it right away, just try, try again. Be brave. Love yourself. Forgive, hang up your favorite memories, and throw the rest in the “toss” pile. You’re the only one who can heal yourself, and you deserve a clean closet.

Sending you all my love,

The Guru Girl

Link to Dr. Caroline Leaf’s videos: http://subsplash.com/rivervalleychurch/s/2c14431

Love – Unconditionally

What’s the hardest thing anyone can ever do? Love, unconditionally.

We use the word “love” pretty loosely in our society. I love salted caramel gelato. I love her dress. I love this sunset. But all of these statements describe conditional love. Conditional love describes love of something only if it selfishly pleases me. This week I’ve heard religious people say, “we love, serve and pray for our enemies,” but go on to tell me the answer is to kill them. Well, that’s not love either. You can’t possibly be unconditionally loving your enemies if you seek to kill them. That definition of love is conditional. “Love the sinner, hate the sin.” Well, that statement is about conditional love too. When we say that, we’re basically saying, “I love you only if you act a certain way, otherwise I will hate part of you – the part that is doing something that I hate.” Why can’t we just stop at “love the sinner?” Period. The rest of that phrase is just putting a condition on your love.

There are a lot of things that I have hated in my life. I was mistreated and abused by many people throughout my life. Most of the people who abused me were supposed to love and protect me. I hated them. I hated what they did to me. I hated how I felt about myself when these things happened. Then one day my eyes opened – I realized I hated and I was hating. The fact that I was hating people and things just made me a hater too, and I was hating because people were hating me. Funny how that works, right? I was desperately lost in a cycle of hate, and I didn’t even know it.

Hate is not such a horrible thing to experience, because you don’t know what true, unconditional love is unless you know what hate is. Hate is usually caused by fear. Hate is often the result of something making you feel unsafe. It can be in a family, social, or emotional setting. You experience fear when something doesn’t resonate with what you’re programmed to believe is “good” and “right,” so when people act a different way than you want, you contract back into your corner and hate it. It scares you. For instance, when we see someone doing something we consider “bad,” we fear the consequences for ourselves, we label it as a “sin,” and then we hiss and spit in the corner. Pointing. Judging. And that makes us no better than the person who is triggering that emotion within ourselves.

But I’ve come to know and experience that acceptance and love of these things that we fear is incredibly freeing. The only person who suffers is the one who hates. That lack of love, and that paralysis of fear eats you from the inside. It destroys your ability to be the best version of yourself. If you’re spending your time pointing fingers at people and telling them all the things you hate about them and want to change – that’s not going to change them. It will, however, harden and color your own heart. You stain yourself when you do that.

Isn’t it better then, to stop judging things as good or bad? Isn’t it better to stop labeling things as “sin,” and instead realize that there are things that feel better to us than others? Once you do that, you can open your heart and learn to love people right where they are – not where you want them to be. You also come to a place of understanding why people do the things they do. Stress and trauma create a diseased mental and emotional environment, and people unconsciously make decisions to diffuse their own anger. That includes both the “judger” and the “sinner,” who are really very much the same. Those people just lack love, despite what they preach, and oftentimes they haven’t been privileged to receive unconditional love. They learned this behavior by receiving conditional love: I’ll love you if you look or act a certain way or make me look a certain way. Sometimes these people grow up in a world of violence and never experienced love at all – conditional or unconditional. Sad, right?

Under all that stress, and under all that judgement in EVERY HUMAN  lies the pure innocent state of being. It’s the state of being when we were born. The one that looks into our mother’s eyes and into her soul and loves – unconditionally. Do you remember that? Can you imagine it for a moment?

…and if you can, for a moment, think about what you hate the most, and then open your heart and love that thing or person unconditionally, your life will begin to transform. Love by understanding, empathizing, and feeling deeply. Love with wild abandon. Turn your hate into acceptance.  Accept and love things as they are.

Changing the way you love will literally change your life.  Let’s stop and contemplate that for a moment. Let’s try to be present when we start experiencing fear and hate, and during that process of understanding, let’s shine a spotlight of love – the unconditional kind – on whatever we’re wrapped up in. It’s sooooooooo hard. You’ll feel the layers of hate and fear cracking on the facade of your heart. It hurts. Your heart has been bound up with these conditional fallacies for so long. But I promise you, this practice will just continue to make you a better and better person.

…so, to wrap this up, I want to leave you with a quote from my favorite poet, Rumi:

“You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.”

Prayer versus Meditation

When you call a friend for help, do you pick up the phone, explain your problem and then hang up before they give you an answer?

Of course not, right? That’s crazy. You’re calling because you need help.

So then. Tell me why you pray but you don’t meditate.

Let’s think about that for a second. I was raised Catholic, I attended St. Thomas Aquinas school as a kid, and I learned all about prayers. Class started with a prayer. There was a prayer before lunch. We closed the school day with a prayer. On Fridays we attended mass. At home I prayed when I woke up in the morning, we (usually) said grace before dinner, and I prayed before I went to sleep. Mass was on Saturdays and Sundays, and I often attended both days because of my choir and song leading responsibilities.

So… Yeah. I know a few things about prayer. However, I didn’t learn anything about meditation. In all those years, I learned absolutely NOTHING about meditation. (Please someone explain to me why I grew up praying up to 10 times a day, but I never learned the other half of prayer – listening for the answer.)

…maybe I wouldn’t have needed to pray so much if I just stayed on the line…  😉

The title of this blog is a little misleading. I wrote prayer “versus” meditation. I did that on purpose. I wanted to get you thinking about your pre-programmed thoughts about what prayer is and what meditation is. Now I want to explain what each is and what each isn’t.

Typically, prayer sets an intention. You state your wishes, desires, hopes, and you may take the time to worship or thank a deity like God or your higher self for what you’ve received. That’s what prayer is. Prayer isn’t listening for the answer. Also, prayer isn’t just for religious people – contrary to popular belief.

Meditation is a technique to quiet your mind’s chatter so you can freely experience a state of being which transcends all thoughts, emotions and experiences. You don’t typically set an intention in meditation. Quieting the mind allows you to be in touch with your inner spirit, the greater Self, the Holy Spirit, the voice of God, or whatever you want to call it. Meditation isn’t just for hippies, and no you don’t have to be a religious person to get the full benefits of meditation.

As you can see prayer and meditation are very complimentary. So complimentary in fact that in ancient writings describing acts of devotion, it’s difficult to tell whether people are praying or meditating, or just bouncing between the two.

So then: if you’re going to phone a friend and ask for help, you should stay on the line, quiet yourself, and be still while you wait for the answer. Right?

Right.

Happy Meditating.