I Am Worthy

“Lord, I am not worthy to receive You, but only say the word, and I shall be healed.”

Does that sound familiar to you? If it does, you’re probably Catholic, and recognize that line as something we recite prior to receiving the Eucharist. I heard this line in my meditation today, and then I clearly heard a voice tell me, “Don’t believe the things you have said. You are worthy. Take this. Eat this. Drink this. It has been given up for you. You are forgiven. This is the covenant I have with you.”

When you tell yourself and a WHOLE congregation that you’re not worthy, how does it make you feel? Small? Sinful? Less than? Why in God’s name (pun intended) would we recite that we’re not worthy to receive something that the New Testament – humanity’s new covenant with God – tells us we already have?

If God loved the world so much that He gave His son to carry the burden of our sins, AND take them to the cross to be sacrificed for all the wrongs we have done, than why would He want us to confess that we’re not worthy?

Because he wouldn’t. Men have made us confess that. Not God.

How can we become pure of heart when we are sin conscious and constantly burdening our heart with the guilt and shame of our ignorance? How can we know that we are forgiven when we constantly confess that we’re not worthy unless God wants to forgive us. God has already forgiven us. The real hurdle is forgiving ourselves and those around us.

Christ Consciousness is a state of consciousness where your kundalini energy reaches the fourth chakra – the heart chakra. Many people who experience Christ Consciousness witness Christ appearing to them, and their heart begins the expansion process to move into the space of unconditional love for themselves and everything in creation – humans, animals, plants, and even a plastic baggie you use to wrap a sandwich. How can you experience Christ Consciousness and open your heart when you believe that you should be burdened with constant guilt and shame? Here’s a hint. You can’t. You can’t both be burdened with guilt and have a clear channel in your heart chakra. Guilt creates physical blockages to the microchannels in your physiology, and like a bad wi-fi signal, you don’t get to experience love in the fullest way.

Do you know what else clogs your heart chakra? Bad food (like cooked honey, animal products), polluted air, alcohol, drugs (even some herbal supplements and vitamins if taken incorrectly), toxic relationships, and lack of self love. These create physical and spiritual barriers in your heart. When someone’s angry at you, do you ever feel that contraction in your chest? When you think of something you’ve done wrong, do you feel that guilt in your heart? Sometimes, people experience asthma from emotional stress. Sometimes, in severe cases, it manifests as congestive heart failure or breast cancer. When you’re feeling emotional, where do you feel it? In your eyes? In your hands? No. You feel it in your chest – the seat of your heart chakra, and the home of your physical heart.

I remember when Christ Consciousness touched me. Jesus manifested before me directly out of the ether, and asked so very sweetly, “Will you follow me?” His love penetrated my being, took me to my knees, and although I felt so unworthy of His love, I just cried and whimpered back, “Yes, yes, I will follow you.” Then He was gone. I have completely oversimplified this experience trying to use the grossness of language to describe this amazing event, but it’s the best I can do. I will never forget that love. It’s something I strive for and practice every day.

Ever since that day, my heart has been expanding in a greater and greater way. My meditations bring me deeper into those little stresses from life and phrases that I was expected to recite at mass. I recited my unworthiness thousands of times over two decades of my life until I realized I was called to leave the church and follow a different path. I was led to follow my own spiritual path where I found all knowledge was within me.

…and I’m still a work in progress. I’m still undoing the failed parenting strategies and patriarchal and stifling society that tried turning me into someone who felt undeserving of love. Just the other day, I realized in a meditation that the anxiety that I experience each night before I sleep is related to hundreds of days sleeping alone in a dark, creepy basement. Once my adult brain was able to grab that memory, I was able to comfort myself into a space where I only felt complete love and protection. It took me 20 years to find this memory and work on healing that emotional wound, and each night since that meditation, I’ve felt more comfort and safety before I drift off to sleep. I’m sure this will only continue to grow as I mother myself to wellness in this area of my life.

I’ve been done with this whole “I’m not worthy” business for a long time, but today was the day I needed to write about it. Today is the day that I’m being called to share this with anyone who needs this in their life. I’m here to tell you that YOU ARE WORTHY. You always have been, and you always will be.

Lord, I am absolutely worthy to receive You, and through Your work, I am healed.

The Guru Girl

 

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